When will I not have such high expectations of myself?

Nothing I do will satisfy me, I feel lousy, I feel lost, confused, hopeless, I don't know what to do. I know its impossible for me to achieve such high standards, yet I can't take it when I don't. Its easy to say "then don't set such high standards", but so difficult to do that.

I'm quick to judge, I've got a sharp eye for what's good and what not, and I WILL NOT allow myself to do something that's bad in my eyes.

Others train for years to attain those skills, while I expect myself to produce the same results when I've only got a year or so of experience. Then I get extremely frustrated when the painting doesn't turn out well. The thing is, I can't afford to do something bad either. Its the freaking A's.

There are so many other things I have to catch up on too, but I'm always tired and can't concentrate. I can't bloody concentrate and its so bloody annoying. It annoys the shit out of me, I can't even sit still for half an hour.

I worry the shit out of myself about the future. I don't know what to do and I don't know what will happen. I honestly don't understand why I can't concentrate. Most importantly, I don't know what I want. I know what I love but I don't know what I love the most in order to choose a path.

On top of all that, I expect myself to be great at what I love and what I will choose, and I'm not sure what that is.


Living feels like a chore sometimes.